Do you ever sigh or has your partner ever commented that “things were different when we first met - what happened now”? The answer is that the relationship is going through some phase. I am sure most people understand that relationships grow and change over time... but are they aware that relationships also evolve at the same time? Long term relationships always offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new growth opportunities. And if we want our relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love, and intimacy, we are likely to experience these phases or stages. Before I go further into this, let me first make it clear that everyone may transit these phases at different speeds. Secondly, both may not experience the same phase at the same time. Interestingly, some may experience one phase more than once. It is not uncommon to fluctuate from one phase to another. Okay...now that I have covered the base let me go deeper.
Head Over Heels Phase
As one meets their partner, everything about him/her becomes amazing and adorable. May we call this the head over heels phase? In this phase, neither of them can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because they are both still on their best behaviour. The focus is more on commonalities than differences. This is the time when they show their best self and try to please as much as possible. The thought that one cannot live without the other, leads to spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when all your (unguarded) defences are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. Please understand that there is a biological impact as well. In this phase, the happy-hormones surge is high, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive, and excited about everything in your life. Bottom line - you are happier than you have ever been and cannot imagine feeling any differently. If I can give an example, this is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels.
Adjustment To Reality Phase
As the two get to know each other more, the duo begins to realise that the partner has some flaws and shortcomings. Their habits may not seem as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the previous phase that one is willing to overlook these flaws. This is when the adjustment to reality phase begins. With the bond established in the first phase, when the partner is relaxed, the other becomes more relaxed as well. Since the body cannot continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that were present in the first phase, and due to finding shortcomings, those feelings of being on top of the world begin to decline. This stage can start to impact the relationship slowly, as one begins to see the partner for who s/he is. Sometimes it can be an unexpected one when there has been some sort of dishonesty or violation of trust. This phase can be confusing and discouraging since one has just experienced openness and connection in the previous phase. However, both must be fair and honest in their adjustments and look for flexibility from within, before expecting/demanding it from the other
Distress Phase
Next is the distress phase. At this point, both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, and both are increasingly aware of each other’s differences. The differences increase the demands that one makes on the other. Because of the unconditional freedom exhibited in the first phase, individual space is intruded on now, and so there are fights to draw boundaries in the relationship. As a result, even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where one must define unacceptable behaviour, and most of the time it is in this stage that there are frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More often, one or both begin to think that the partner is self-centred or uncaring, or even worse, that they simply cannot be trusted. Resentment and bitterness begin to mount if one is unable to resolve issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Power struggles and revenge can take a centre stage and sabotage the relationship in this phase. Sometimes couples get stuck in this phase and this way of interaction becomes a normal routine in their relationship.
This is when it is necessary to learn to
A. manage differences effectively
B. set realistic expectations and
C. work together as a team.
Not surprisingly, this is the stage when most couples decide to break up or file for divorce in case they are married. However, if they can negotiate all the landmines during this phase, they can and will move on to...
Stability And Acceptance Phase
The stability and acceptance phase are something couples may not experience if they choose to part. However, the ones who do weather the previous phase are the ones who have deeper feelings of love, trust, and connection. Since there is an established history together, both begin to realize that neither is perfect. This is when one tends to acknowledge that personal differences are not as threatening as they used to be. The ability to resolve the differences to some extent generates confidence in the relationship. It would mean that they are learning to let go of the fantasy that was established early in the relationship. Here, the growing sense of love and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when one begins to re-establish one’s outside interests and friendships, which were compromised during the first phase. There is an element of risk as one may begin to drift away from the partner or become bored in this phase. Hence one needs to maintain the connection that was created in the head over heels phase with reality checks. Overall, this is the stage when one finally begins to feel comfortable and at peace
In this phase, there is a clear notion of their own and their partner's faults, strengths, and weaknesses, yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person or exit the relationship. This is the phase when one needs to decide whether to stay or not. That would be not because you need him/her, but because you have chosen him/her. It is at this stage one evaluates if the resentment one felt for the other has decreased or disappeared. If the residues of lack of trust and resentment are still hovering even at this stage, certainly a choice must be made. On the other hand, if both come to an understanding that they can, as a team, overcome challenges together, then they have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. To sum up, I compare relationships to a two-horse wagon. If one horse moves faster and the other is not keeping up the speed, certainly the wagon will topple. Similarly, when one moves too slowly it creates an imbalance. Hence, could we conclude that a relationship is a balancing act?
Dr. Saras Bhaskar (Counseling Psychologist)
December 2021
